Business Brokers: Dodgy Geezers or Deal-Making Legends?

Let’s start with a simple truth: If you’ve ever uttered the words “I’m thinking of selling my business” within a one-mile radius of a pub, you’ve probably met one of the following:

• A bloke who once “nearly” sold a chip shop for £3 million

• A woman who "knows a guy" who "sells businesses on the side" (whatever that means)

• Or my personal favourite: Dave, who “sold his cousin’s plumbing firm through a fella who only takes payment in Nando’s gift cards”

Welcome to the marvellous world of business brokers. Some are saints. Some are snakes. And some well, some should be legally banned from using the word "deal" unless it’s in reference to a lunchtime meal.

So settle in, order your pint, and let’s have a proper natter about why business brokers have a reputation dodgier than a second-hand mattress on Facebook Marketplace… And why, shock horror, they might just be the best people you’ll ever work with (if you find the right one).

PART 1: Why Business Brokers Are Dodgy (According to Your Mate Down the Pub)

Exhibit A: “The Time Steve Sold His Gym and Moved to Marbella (Sort Of)”

So Steve ran this gym, right? Wasn’t fancy. Couple of dumbbells, a coffee machine that only did hot brown sadness, and a regular named Barry who thought grunting louder made the weights lighter.

Anyway, Steve gets talking to this fella in a leather jacket, calls himself a “business intermediary” (which, by the way, is a red flag bigger than a Soviet parade). He promises Steve he’s got buyers “lining up”, even though the gym’s books look like a toddler did them with crayons.

Fast-forward 3 months. The buyer “fell through” after paying a mysterious £20K deposit into an offshore account. Steve never saw a penny. The broker ghosted him harder than Steve’s Tinder date from 2014.

Steve now lives above a vape shop in Bognor Regis and flinches every time someone says “exit strategy.”

Exhibit B: “Janet’s Café Was Worth Millions… Until It Wasn’t”

Janet ran the best café in town. Proper builder’s tea, sausage rolls the size of your head, and toast that could legally be classified as a flotation device.

She wanted to retire. Enter Roger: business broker, smooth talker, owner of three phones and zero morals.

He charged her £5,000 up front, slapped together a one-page sales brochure with a stock photo of a café from Barcelona, and listed the business at a “strategic valuation” of £1.2 million.

Problem is, the café barely made £30K profit. Roger said that didn’t matter “We sell the vision, not the figures.”

Two years later, Janet had 11 viewings (three of which were just people looking for the toilet) and zero offers. Roger? He’s now “pivoted” into crypto and sells non-fungible tokens of carvery dinners.

Exhibit C: “Gary’s Garage and the Curious Case of the Disappearing Buyer”

Ah, Gary. Salt of the earth. Knows more about camshafts than Google does. He gets an offer for his garage, £400,000. Not bad, considering his office chair is held together with duct tape and dreams.

But the broker tells him, “Let’s wait, mate. I’ve got another buyer. Serious guy. Real money. Cash buyer. Off-market.” Three months go by. No sign of Mr. Off-Market. Meanwhile, the original buyer buys another garage… in Spain.

Gary ended up selling for £150K less a year later. He’s still furious. You can hear the rage from three postcodes away every time someone mentions “market timing.”

Why Does This Happen?

• Low entry barriers: Literally anyone can call themselves a broker. Some of them used to sell timeshares. One bloke we met sold garden sheds before he found "deal-making."

  
  

• No regulation: There's no watchdog. No central authority. Just vibes and LinkedIn profiles with the word “strategist” spelt wrong.

  
  

• Greed, laziness, and ego: Some brokers chase retainers like truffle pigs. Others overvalue businesses to flatter the owner and win the deal. And some just plain ghost when the going gets tough.

  
  

So yes, if you’ve heard horror stories, you’re not alone. But here’s where it gets interesting…

PART 2: When a Good Broker Walks into Your Life

Because not all business brokers are dodgy. Some of them are absolute legends.

They don’t just “sell businesses.” They unlock value, protect legacies, and fight like hell to get you the best possible exit.

Let’s meet some of the good guys, and what they actually do that’s worth their weight in Black Country gold.

The 7 Signs of a Good Broker (And Why They’re Basically Business Jedi)

1. They tell you the truth, not what you want to hear. You say your dog grooming salon is worth £1.5M.They say: “No it’s not, Susan. Calm down. Let’s talk about EBITDA.”

2. They ask questions you’ve never even thought about. “What happens if your head chef leaves mid-deal?” “What’s your customer churn rate?” “Why is half your revenue from your cousin’s tattoo parlour?”

3. They understand confidentiality. Good brokers operate with MI6 levels of stealth. No names, no addresses, no for-sale signs. Just vetted buyers and secure NDAs.

4. They’ve sold more businesses than you’ve had roast dinners. A good broker’s dealt with owners in every mood, nervous, greedy, crying in the toilets, going through a divorce, or just bored of being the boss.

5. They qualify buyers harder than your daughter’s new boyfriend. No tyre-kickers. No fantasists. No “I might be interested once my Bitcoin bounces back.”

6. They prepare your business like it’s going to war. Marketing packs. Financials. Deal structures. Due diligence prep. They’re not just listing your business on some website, they’re crafting and researching for a full-blown campaign.

7. They’re honest about fees—and they earn them. A good broker won’t make you sign your soul away on day one. They’re transparent. They’ll explain their success fee. And they’ll only take the job if they genuinely think they can sell it.

What Happens When You Get a Good One?

• You get a realistic valuation, not a fantasy.

• Your business is packaged properly, like a ready-to-buy investment.

• You speak to motivated, funded buyers who are pre-screened.

• You get deal guidance, so you don’t cock it up at the last minute.

• You finish the deal with more money, fewer headaches, and maybe even a bottle of champagne (or two) at the end.

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A Real Example (That Doesn’t Involve Heartbreak or Marbella)

Let’s talk about Mo.

Mo ran a chain of corner shops. He wanted out, wanted to retire, travel a bit, maybe learn how to play the guitar.

He nearly signed with a broker who valued the business at £3 million on the back of a napkin despite the actual profits being closer to £200K.

Instead, he found a real broker.

One that did proper research, prepped him for due diligence, and marketed the business strategically. Not just online. Not just with adverts. But through direct research and real buyer networks.

Result? He sold to a regional competitor for £850K + £150K deferred. Walked away clean. Now lives in Devon. Plays the ukulele. Hasn’t looked at a spreadsheet in 18 months.

PART 3: Choose Wisely, Sell Smart

So yes there are dodgy brokers out there.

Just like there are dodgy mechanics, dodgy hairdressers, and dodgy uncles who always “have a tip on the horses.”

But that doesn’t mean the whole profession’s a scam.

A good broker can:

• Increase your sale value

• Save you time and stress

• Protect your confidentiality

• Qualify the right buyer

• Close the deal fast

• Give you a proper exit

• Help you sleep at night knowing it’s sorted

Final Thought: A Good One Is Worth Their Weight in Gold. A Bad One…

…will cost you the shirt off your back and the business you built with blood, sweat, and Greggs pasties.

So here’s the deal:

• Do your research

• Read reviews

• Ask for case studies

• Speak to their previous clients

• Trust your gut—but verify it with paperwork

And if you’re thinking of selling and don’t know where to start?

The internet’s a great place. Or if you prefer a bit of a head start check out BusinessBrokers.co.uk. They’ll point you in the right direction and can introduce you to someone who actually knows what they’re doing.

Remember: Selling your business is one of the biggest decisions of your life. Don’t hand it over to Dave from the pub and his mate with a WhatsApp business card.

Cheers to getting it right. 🍻