The Guru, the Grifter, and the Guy You Met Down the Pub: A Cautionary Tale

“This bloke I met down the pub said he could double my sales using AI, crypto, and a monkey with a laptop. I gave him ten grand and a crate of Stella. Never saw either again.”

Welcome to the age of modern business advisers. Today, anyone with a broadband connection, a ring light, and a few hours on Canva can call themselves a "growth strategist" or "sales guru."

You know the type. They’re everywhere. The loud ones on LinkedIn, the shouty ones on Instagram, and the overconfident ones who pitch you at networking events. They won't let you finish your sausage roll.

They boast about ten X-ing your business. They claim to have taken a start-up from their mum's garage to eight figures in just six months. Their tools? Chatbots and AI, mixed with a lot of self-promotion.

When you ask for proof, they send you a screenshot of a Stripe dashboard and vanish like a ninja with a side hustle.

Today, we take a long, honest, and frankly hilarious look at these modern advisers. The gurus. The grifters. And yes, that bloke you met down the pub who once sold printer ink in 1998 but now calls himself a "turnaround specialist."

This article may make you laugh, but it might also stop you from making an expensive mistake. Underneath the banter lies a serious truth: working with the wrong adviser won’t just cost you money; it may cost you everything.

Who Are These People?

A business adviser used to be someone who’d been there, done that, and had the scars to prove it. They have run companies, survived recessions, and built brands. They have lost sleep and gained a few pounds along the way.

Today, a "business adviser" might be someone who watched a YouTube video, set up a funnel, and now teaches others how to do the same. Think of it like an MLM scheme but packed with jargon.

Many of these characters have never sold anything more complicated than an ebook or an online course titled "How to Scale to 7 Figures While You Sleep."

Their bios are riddled with buzzwords like "impact," "authentic," "high-ticket," and "AI." Apparently, AI is the new "abracadabra." Add it to anything, and you're magically transformed into a wizard.

AI lead generation. AI sales scripts. AI copywriting. AI tea-making. (The last one might actually be useful.)

You can spot them easily. They rave about "client success stories" that always lack names or specifics. They snap a photo with a rented Ferrari, a borrowed laptop, and somehow always end up in a field. They promise you can "level up" if you just send them a deposit by Tuesday.

The Wild Claims That Hook You In

It's easy to laugh at the worst offenders. However, the scary part is that some of them are incredibly convincing. They promise to triple your revenue in 30 days. They say they will construct an automated funnel that pours money into your lap while you sleep. They claim they’ll fill your calendar with pre-sold clients eager to spend money.

You start to believe these promises. You're tired and overwhelmed, juggling HR nightmares, late-paying clients, and VAT returns. When someone shows up with a shiny solution and a slick website, it feels like hope.

But what really occurs?

You spend thousands. You waste months. You end up right back where you started, but now with fewer funds, a bruised ego, and a lingering feeling that you have been duped.

True Stories from the Trenches

Gavin and the LinkedIn Legend

Gavin runs a decent heating and cooling business in Sheffield. One day, a message pops up on his LinkedIn. It's from a person claiming to be a "LinkedIn Growth Hacker." The guy promises "inbound, qualified leads daily" and boasts about working with Google, Amazon, and "a bloke called Steve."

Gavin pays £3,000 for the full service. Within days, his LinkedIn feed becomes a cringe-worthy collage of motivational nonsense:

"When I was broke, I invested in myself. Now I eat problems for breakfast and wipe my tears with contracts."

Allegedly, Gavin wrote this—according to his account, at least.

By the end of the month, three customers have complained. Two staff members have resigned in embarrassment. Gavin's Christmas party fun engages a PowerPoint presentation titled "How I Got Hacked by a Hashtag."

Becky and the AI Funnel Fiasco

Becky runs a PR business. She’s sharp, capable, and genuinely good at her craft. However, she is also busy and slightly allergic to cold sales. So she hires a self-proclaimed "AI Funnel Architect" from Twitter. This person claims to have "automated 7-figure growth" for 19 clients.

What does Becky get? A Google Sheet, a vague prompt for ChatGPT, and a Zoom call where the guy mainly discusses "vibe alignment."

A month later, Becky has sent out 600 robotic emails starting with: "Dear [Insert Name], I admire your brand especially [Insert Product]. Let’s scale synergy together!"

As a result, she ends up blacklisted by several platforms. One recipient even threatens legal action after an email mistakenly states, "I love your recent charity work with diseased furniture."

Clive and the Franchise Fumble

Clive is a real person. You met him at your local pub. He seemed clever, if a bit loud. Over a pint, he shares his "killer plan" for your small yet decent coffee business.

"Franchise it," he insists. "Slap the brand on mugs, outsource the staff, license the beans. Then we’ll go viral."

Clive sounds persuasive. You take the plunge.

Six months pass, and you’ve spent £12,000 on marketing fluff, a website full of broken links, and 500 t-shirts that proudly state "Bean There, Done That." Clive is nowhere to be found—probably living it up in Bali. You’re left with a costly reminder that ideas from pub chats should not be funded until the next morning, at the very least.

Why It Really Matters

It may sound amusing, but the damage these people inflict is very real.

First, consider the financial toll. Thousands wasted on courses, consulting, or campaigns that do nothing. Then, there’s the time wasted. Weeks or months lost while chasing shadows, struggling with funnels, or sending emails even a bot would find boring.

But it gets worse.

These advisers can harm your brand. When customers see spammy messages or gimmicky rebrands, they lose confidence in you. Worse, your team starts to doubt your judgement. Once that happens, things spiral out of control quickly.

Most painful of all is the missed opportunity. While you follow some misguided fool into the digital wilderness, you miss the chance for genuine growth. You lose out on solid strategies, trusted partners, and experienced experts who could genuinely help you.

How to Spot a Dodgy Adviser

Dodgy advisers are surprisingly easy to identify. They tend to over-promise, under-deliver, and overshare. If they guarantee results, dodge references, or only communicate via WhatsApp, run far away.

If they toss around the term "quantum" in an unscientific context, label themselves as a "growth hacker," or send you invoices for crypto while working from a WeWork in Bali, it’s not a vibe; it’s a glaring red flag.

Look out for those who talk excessively and listen very little. Those who appear more interested in your payment details than your actual business. They pivot their offerings weekly to align with trending topics.

And never, ever trust anyone who tells you their results are "too confidential to disclose."

What a Real Adviser Looks Like

Real advisers tend to be quieter. They may be older or just calmer. They have run real businesses—ones with staff, stock, stress, and sleepless nights.

They don’t make guarantees. They understand that business isn’t magic. They ask insightful questions and push you to do the hard work. Their focus is on building sustainable strategies, not just things that go viral.

They provide references and will walk you through both past successes and failures. They will tell you gently, but firmly, when your idea isn’t viable.

They may not be cheap, but they are worth every penny.

The Bottom Line: Choose Carefully

Business is challenging enough without adding a pretender guru to the mix. Take your time. Don’t rush into significant decisions. And certainly, don’t outsource your future to someone who can only boast about their viral tweet.

Work with real experts—individuals who understand your industry and have previously navigated through hurdles. You want partners who’ll still be around when the social media bubble bursts.

Your business deserves more than someone you met down the pub.

Final Word

There’s an old saying in business: “If you think hiring a professional is expensive, wait until you hire an amateur.”

Don’t gamble your business on gut feelings, Instagram reels, or unsolicited DMs.

And remember: the only thing worse than poor advice is paying for it with your future.

Cheers to that. Now, get back to work with the right people by your side.

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